Growing Into Your Authority
There you are, minding your own business and doing a great job at whatever it is you do…someone notices and – boom! – they make you a manager. Since you’re a decent human being with above-average intentions, you feel the weight of this new responsibility. What do I do now? you ask yourself.
Being a new manager can be terrifying. Not in the “there’s a clown under my bed” kind of terrifying but more in the, “what if I look foolish, make a mistake, they don’t respect me, my department tanks, or people quit because of me,” kind of terrifying. Many of us would probably take the clown if given the choice.
I’ve found that behind this fear is a question that can be stated roughly as such: Am I confident in effectively using the authority given to me by my organization, especially in unpopular ways? Consider the following situations:
Disciplinary action
Having to make a decision that no one likes
Saying no to a special request
Terminating an employee
Giving negative feedback
Holding employees accountable for results
Putting boundaries on personal friendships in the workplace
This common theme, of course, is confrontation. For most people, confrontational situations evoke some level of fear, which is often experienced as anxiety. Let’s be honest, leading others would be easy if we could avoid all confrontation and simply give people whatever they wanted and they did whatever was asked of them without a hint of pushback.
Let’s take this a step further. Even if this fear isn’t overtly debilitating and only becomes conscious in high-stress situations, it can nonetheless encourage us to develop less-than-helpful patterns in our relationships with employees. The expression of these patterns will vary due to our unique behavior style, but the root cause is the same.
For some, this fear/anxiety will manifest itself as a consistent passive avoidance. For others a habitual show of frustration or temper. We can easily become overly sensitive to our employees’ opinions of us, or the other extreme, not sensitive enough. Perhaps you’re too friendly and accommodating because you struggle with boundaries and just want to be liked? Maybe you swing in the opposite direction and are overly controlling, dismissive, or passive-aggressive? Emotional bullies can be motivated by fear, too. Whatever the case, fear can show up in many ways.
You’ve likely discovered that even your physiology has an opinion on the subject of fear. Think of the last time you went into a difficult meeting with an employee: your heart rate goes up and you begin to sweat, you can find it hard to think clearly and articulate yourself, you might even get frustrated and feel resentful that you’re in this uncomfortable situation in the first place.
Then you remember that time in college when you walked home through a questionable neighborhood at 2 a.m. and it feels the same. That’s because, from your brain’s point of view, they’re very similar. Though your challenging employee isn’t likely to knock you over and steal your wallet, your sympathetic nervous system perceives social threat and physical threat in mostly the same way. Hence, your body’s response is similar: you get a shot of adrenaline and launch into some level of fight, flight, or freeze.
Learning to manage this physiological response to fear is also a part of what it means to grow into your authority. As we gain mastery over ourselves in this way, we’re able to enter into a wider range of complex, emotionally charged situations in a calm, clear-thinking, and confident manner. Employees will notice this and will get the best part of us when we do.
Beyond any doubt, leaders who manage fear/anxiety well will embody certain important characteristics. They’re comfortable in their own skin and don’t get flustered, defensive, or offended easily. They deal with problems early and in a low-key manner. They are confident in both giving clear direction as well as letting go of control. They know how to be consistently relational and yet set clear boundaries and expectations. Leaders who can embody these kinds of characteristics will be effective in their work and be a perennial fan favorite.
Keep in mind that almost everyone experiences social fear in some way, so you’ve got lots of company. I’ve met many leaders who’ve grown in their ability to manage the anxiety that comes with being in a position of authority…but never someone who said it was easy from the start. The point is, growth can happen.
The first step in this process is changing your mindset. Though a change in mindset doesn’t guarantee your practices will change, it points the way forward and gives you confidence that you’re heading in the right direction. Below are some key points that I’ve found helpful over the years, both in my own growth, as well as when working with clients.
1) Accept that this is an area of struggle and that you want to grow. This gives you permission to be anxious, to make mistakes, and to remember that developing new skills takes time. If you don’t own this first, you’re more likely to conclude that you’re “just not good at confrontation” and that’s that. Accepting growth as an opportunity, not a penalty, will also help you to be gentle with yourself when you feel like you’ve failed…which will happen.
2) This is about your role, not your person. This is fundamental. When in leadership, it’s easy to subconsciously work from an attitude that reflects your own self-perception, not how you fulfill a role in an organization. Which of us hasn’t thought one of the following: “Who am I to tell someone else what to do?”, “Why would someone care if I affirm them?”, “Why would anyone notice whether I’m moody, upset, or angry?”, “I’m not that important, who cares what I think anyway?”.
Or, you could take this in a more sinister direction: “These people are idiots, why don’t they just get it?”, “I’m clearly the most talented person in the room.”, or “I’m the boss so they should just do whatever I tell them to do.”
Either way, the issue is the same. Your self-perception, not the actual requirements of the role, is dictating your managerial behavior. You change this when you acknowledge that it happens, choose to set it aside, and then honestly ask the question, “What is required of me to be a good leader in this context?” You then strive to embody what you discover. This is simple to understand but will take consistent effort to implement.
3) Your organization gave you authority for this reason. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget this one simple fact. Whether or not it was made explicit in your job description, your primary function as a manager is helping to create a positive and productive workplace. Without this, everything eventually falls apart. Yet, to achieve this will take some heavy lifting in the manner we’ve described: setting boundaries, having difficult conversations, keeping poor behavior in check, etc.
Keep in mind that the word organization comes from organism. An organism is a collection of distinct, well-defined parts that function in unison for a common purpose. When one of these parts forgets this and decides to get sick, the entire organism is impacted. An organizational chart reflects this same principle and you have been given a part to play...so play it.
4) Good employees want structure. It may not seem like this in the moment, but it’s true. Think of recess in elementary school. If the playground monitors were to suddenly disappear, chaos would creep in until even a simple game of kickball would be impossible. While a few kids might want this lack of structure, the significant majority wouldn’t and would become discouraged.
Your employees are the same way. A manager who refuses to keep even small expressions of disorder in check (e.g., being habitually late, consistently missing deadlines, not following important procedures, negative “playground” behaviors like gossip, cliques, playing favorites, etc.) has the same impact – your good employees get frustrated and morale will decline.
5) Your low performers need accountability. There are many reasons why people find themselves struggling to meet even the most reasonable expectations of their workplace. While a few might be genuine bad apples, most are not. In my experience, the great majority of employees welcome accountability when it’s done in a humane fashion – meaning it’s fair, consistent, and their dignity isn’t sacrificed in the process. Accountability done right helps people find their best selves which, I believe, is one of the most satisfying aspects of being a manager. And let’s honest, we all need others to do the same for us from time to time.
6) Exercise your authority in positive ways. While I believe giving critical feedback is positive when done well, it doesn’t feel this way to an employee. In addition to doing this, consider the uses of your authority that feel positive. Two words come to mind as being especially relevant: advocate and affirm.
To advocate for your employees means that you use your organizational position to get them something they may not be able to get on their own: a deserved raise or promotion, additional training, tools needed for their job, etc. To do this you might have to buck the status quo (respectfully) or cash in a favor or two. If nothing else, it will take your time and energy and often isn’t necessary to get the immediate job done. Because of this, it will be noticed by those you lead.
Conspicuous affirmation is a powerful way for a leader to use his or her authority. Keep in mind that, as the boss, your voice is more important than anyone else’s…so use it: “Good job,” “I like how you did that,” “You’ve got a great attitude with customers,” “I appreciate the extra effort you put into this,” “You bring a positive vibe to this team,” “I need your advice on something and I know you’re good at this.”
Do these consistently and you’ll not only build trust and goodwill with your employees, but your own self-perception will also likely change as well. You’ll begin to see yourself as an agent of positive change in the lives of others…and this is pretty cool all by itself.
7) Don’t start at the deep end of the pool. In other words, look for small ways you can give corrective feedback that is of low consequence and doesn’t need much forethought. You’ll have many opportunities over your managerial career to deal with high consequence, emotionally charged issues. So unless you have no other choice, don’t start there. These can even be “oh, by the way…” as long as they are truly low-level. Whatever the case, be creative and always strive to keep things friendly and light, yet without making them sound trivial.
8) This isn’t brain surgery. Remember that you can make mistakes and try again the next time. As Voltaire said, “Perfect is the enemy of good.” You won’t be a perfect manager and will make rookie mistakes. Even so, don’t let this paralyze you into inaction. Do your best job of thinking ahead, planning for contingencies, and preparing the best you can…and then just do it. Review and revise after the fact and try again. Apologize if you need to. Whatever the case, you will have another chance to do it differently.
Here are a few more practical steps that I’ve found helpful:
Consciously review and reflect on the points above. Our mindset is more powerful than we might think and often our hesitation comes from patterns of thought we might not be aware of.
Discuss the issue with a colleague; get their perspective; check out your instincts on the matter.
When giving corrective feedback, write out what you want to say and practice saying it (but never read what you’ve written, as if it’s a list of charges).
Next, read what you’ve written to a colleague or, better, practice with role-playing. Yes, it will feel weird but this might just be the best way to prepare. I do this with groups in training all the time and they love it.
Again, I’ve found these helpful in my own journey of growth in this area. In my early years as a manager, I made a list that looked like this and would read through it on occasion when I was facing a challenging situation. At times I would write a script and practice it. All of this helped and got me to the point where I could say what I needed to say calmly and with confidence…a real gift to my employees.