First, Lead Yourself
The great thing about having PE credits in college is the diverse array of interesting options, stuff you’d never see in high school. Cricket? Lawn Bowling? This was the late 80s and I’m not sure I even knew what those were. I stuck to what I knew and enrolled in a basic rock climbing class…a safe choice for someone living in the Pacific Northwest.
The class was taught by a weathered, middle-aged guy who I remember as being very confident, but not in the way you’d expect from a former guide. He was more like a philosopher-climber who had a grasp on the Zen of climbing even more than the techniques he taught.
This guru-like approach to teaching was put on display one day when a fellow student found himself frozen halfway up the rock face where we practiced (mind you, he’s tied in and completely safe). Rather than remind him of the techniques he’d been taught, he explained how he might manage his fear. I don’t remember exactly what he said but I do remember thinking that I had never heard anything like it before. The student accepted the input, regained composure, and completed the climb.
After the class, I said something to the instructor about this and his reply wasn’t what I expected: “It’s easy when you’ve been there a hundred times yourself.” Not being sure what he meant, I asked, “You mean being scared on a climb?” I probably sounded surprised. “Yep,” he said, “plenty of times.”
What he said next is the only reason I remember this story in the first place: “Climbers who never accept and deal with their fear make the worst guides. They’ll have a hard time understanding the mindset of their clients and this is a liability when the going gets tough.” Even if I didn’t get it at the time, something told my brain this was worth remembering.
Fast forward a couple of decades and I think I know why. This simple statement reflected a principle about leading people that’s just as true in the mountains as it is in the workplace. The more we learn how to embrace and grow through the places we feel most challenged, the more effectively we can lead others who experience the same thing.
I’m going to take this a step further and say this ability is the sine qua non of good leadership; it’s an essential, even necessary, ingredient. To continue with the climbing metaphor, it’s easy to be a guide when the terrain is flat and no one feels challenged. You just march ahead and don’t think twice about it. The real test comes when the terrain gets steep and now, as the leader, you have to navigate both the external terrain and also the emotional terrain within yourself and your fellow climbers. Consider the following scenarios:
Reorganizations, mergers, or downsizing
Navigating infighting and dissension
Accepting responsibility for mistakes
Holding employees accountable for results
Giving negative feedback to peers and employees
Having to change a behavior or face consequences
Managing confrontation of any kind
Embracing the difficult truths related to work performance
Navigating organizational trauma (scandal, abuse, unexpected firing)
You are the most important person you lead
Techniques for handling situations like these are easy to find, but the best place to begin isn’t with a technique. It’s with you. The reason is simple: the most important person you lead every day is the one you see in the mirror every morning. How you manage this gifted, capable, complex—and yet flawed—individual will have a direct impact on how you manage others.
Because of our common humanity, you and I share with everyone we lead the same tendencies when it comes to navigating the difficult areas of work and life. In one way or another, we all feel challenged emotionally when our sense of competence, belonging, safety, or security are called into question. When this happens, strong—sometimes overpowering—emotions inevitably emerge…and these can be more difficult to manage than the situation itself.
How does this help us in leading others? Here’s the logic: when we embrace these challenging moments head on, we enter into an emotional space that’s akin to what our employees experience when they’re facing a similar kind of challenge. The more I enter this emotional space, the more familiar I become with the complex psychological dynamics involved in all real change: owning the uncomfortable truth about myself or my situation AND taking seriously the fact that this has a negative impact and needs to change, AND having to battle through failure, self-forgiveness, and starting over. You and I acquire this “emotional knowledge” only through hard-earned experience, not a book, seminar, or an otherwise decent blog post.
For instance, when I see excuse-making, rationalizing, scapegoating, and other subterfuges in one of my employees, I no longer need to get frustrated. I know these behaviors well — because I do the same thing — so I know how to deal with them: by being clear in my expectations, firm in my resolve to see these expectations met…yet with a gentle touch, just like I’ve learned to do with myself.
When my department is going through a restructuring process and the stress is high, I can offer genuine support because I’ve come to grips with my own fear in situations like this. I know it’s real, has an impact, and yet is something that can be mitigated if handled well. Most important, I’m not afraid to talk about it since I already know it’s a natural human response to the unknown (and not just something “weak” people struggle with).
When I sense fear, avoidance, and deflection in an employee over a costly mistake, I can respond in a manner that preserves that employee’s dignity without minimizing the fact that a mistake was made. Why? Because I’ve already walked this road with myself so I know how it works. It’ll be difficult to do this well if all I have is a technique without the personal experience to go with it.
When one of my employees is facing a “change or else” mandate, I can offer genuine sympathy without backing down on my responsibility to ensure a high level of professionalism…because I’ve been there myself at some point in my life so I know how it feels.
Having this kind of emotional knowledge gives me a considerable advantage going into confrontational situations. I’m now in a great position to do something truly unusual: having employees leave my office with a more positive attitude than when they arrived and with greater respect for what the job requires. Do you think trust, respect, and commitment will go up if this is how we handle a difficult conversation? Beyond a doubt.
The reverse is also true: to the extent that I avoid the difficult parts of my own life, I will be at a handicap when working with others as they struggle with theirs. Strong, negative emotions will be uncomfortable for me and will have a detrimental impact on my ability to enter into these challenging situations calmly, clearly, and with my employee’s best interest in mind.
Think of this as another angle on what it means to “lead by example.” To summarize:
We’re less afraid to deal with challenging emotional terrain when it shows up
Simply put, we’ve seen it before so there are few surprises. From an organizational development standpoint, we begin to understand that managing emotions is one of the key aspects (if not the key aspect) of managing any significant change. Before I understand myself in this way, it will be difficult to see this dimension in others (and hence I have little insight into why my change initiates fail).Confrontation doesn’t have to make you anxious
Managing confrontation well begins with managing yourself well. When you learn how to do this, you’re in a great place to embrace the positive potential within many confrontational situations: clearing up misunderstandings, better role clarity, mending relationships, etc. You’re confident there’s something better on the other side and you want this, whatever it is.Giving feedback might become fun
OK, maybe not fun, but at least giving feedback shouldn’t be something you’re afraid of. In fact, since you’ve already discovered that owning the truth about yourself is ultimately beneficial, you shouldn’t be afraid to walk with others as they struggle to do the same.You more easily embrace the difficult truths
A growth mindset teaches us that truth is our friend no matter how difficult. You realize that if your team is going to make any progress at all, they have to start with what Jim Collins calls, “confronting the brutal facts,” no matter how uncomfortable. You want this and proactively search for it.Setting boundaries becomes natural
One of the realities of life is that we’re pulled back and forth by our impulses and conflicting desires. When we begin to bring order to our inner life, we’re able to deal more effectively with the chaos around us. Not only that, we’ll be in a great place to help our employees do the same. Conversely, if you have a hard time setting boundaries with yourself, it will be equally difficult to do this with others.You can own your mistakes
It’s a truism that others often see our imperfections more clearly than we do. And yet taking responsibility for these publicly (when we need to) is something most of us will struggle with. This changes considerably when we’ve honestly embraced our growth areas privately, first. Since you’re neither surprised nor scandalized by your own imperfections, you don’t need to deflect when others bring them up.
In addition to owning your imperfections, you’ve learned to get up again and move on. You fix whatever needs fixing without lingering. Again, when you do this with yourself internally, you can be sincere with others without sacrificing your confidence as a leader (i.e., showing up “wounded”). This tells your employees that you’re mature enough to handle the real you, even if this isn’t so attractive at times.Your employee’s long-term growth is now on your radar
One of the surest ways to become a rock star manager is to give serious consideration to your employee’s long-term growth and development. This doesn’t mean only within the scope of their current position, which you should already be doing. It means you’re doing the time and energy-consuming work of considering what they could be well into the future, even after they’ve left you.
Going back to our theme of “you can only give to others what you’ve experienced yourself,” when you make your own growth your personal mission, you’re now able to see others through the same lens. The very idea of personal growth, overcoming challenges, and discovering new potential will be a positive one for you, and you’ll want others on your team to experience this as well. It’ll be woven into your casual conversations, performance reviews, and just about everywhere else.
Again, it begins with you
Nothing can take the place of personal maturity when it comes to leading well. How you show up in these more subtle ways will change your relationship with everyone around you, naturally and organically. Though a cliché, the best things in life aren’t free and don’t come easily. Learning to struggle successfully with yourself is one of these, but for those who do, the rewards are considerable.